Offended???

 And if your brother offend you, you shall take him between him and you alone, and if he confess, you shall be reconciled. And if he confess not, you shall take another with you, and then if he confess not, you shall deliver him up unto the church, not to the members, but to the elders. And it shall be done in a meeting and that not before the world. And if your brother offend many, he shall be chastened before many. And if anyone offend openly, he shall be rebuked openly that he may be ashamed. And if he confess not, he shall be delivered up unto the Law. If any shall offend in secret, he shall be rebuked in secret, that he may have opportunity to confess in secret to him whom he has offended and to God, that the brethren may not speak reproachfully of him. And thus shall you conduct in all things. T&C 27:5

Questions: 

• Who is responsible to take the initiative when offense is taken? The offender? Or the offended? 

• Reading a verse in context is helpful. Before teaching us how to reconcile an offense, the Lord identifies four offenses. T&C 27:2-4

• Killing . . . Every person who belongs to this church of Christ shall observe all the commandments and covenants of the church. And it shall come to pass that if any person among you shall kill, they shall be delivered up and dealt with according to the laws of the land, for remember that he has no forgiveness, and it shall be proven according to the laws of the land.

• Adultery . . . But if any man shall commit adultery, he shall be tried before two elders of the church, or more, and every word shall be established against him by two witnesses of the church and not of the world; but if there are more than two witnesses, it is better. But he shall be condemned by the mouth of two witnesses. And the elders shall lay the case before the church and the church shall lift up their hands against them, that they may be dealt with according to the Law. And if it can be, it is necessary that the bishop is present also. And thus you shall do in all cases which shall come before you.

• Robbing . . . And if a man shall rob, he shall be delivered up unto the Law. And if he shall steal, he shall be delivered up unto the Law.

•  Lying . . . And if he lie, he shall be delivered up unto the Law. If he do any manner of iniquity, he shall be delivered up unto the Law, even that of God.

• On August 8, 2022, the Lord gave a response to an inquiry about forgiveness. The original question was about forgiving the adulterer, but the Lord gave additional instructions beyond the scope of the question. It is interesting that the Lord brings attention to these same four offenses.

• . . . You shall not forgive the adulterer and welcome him into the community when he has been forgiven and returns again to his sin. You shall not place the community at peril by embracing the willful and unrepentant among you. . . How can you be one if you gather together with another who has been the adulterer again after being forgiven? And how can a man love his wife with all his heart and cleave unto her and none else if he commit adultery again after being forgiven? 

• You did not ask, but remember that I have said also that, You shall not kill, and he that kills shall not have forgiveness, neither in this world nor in the world to come. And again, you shall not kill; he that kills shall die. 

• You shall not steal, and he that steals and will not repent shall be cast out. 

• You shall not lie; he that lies and will not repent shall be cast out. How can you be one with he who murders, with the liar who deceives, and with the thief who steals? I say to you that you cannot be one when you are fractured and your little ones threatened by the disobedience of the adulterer, murderer, liar and thief who will not repent.

• People are offended for some of the following reasons:

• They have unhealed emotional or psychological issues related to past experiences.

• They perceive that their honor, personal or ideological beliefs, or public image are being threatened.

• They are self-conscious about something. 

• They don’t receive the validation they are seeking from others. 

• Being offended makes insecure people feel empowered, and it allows them to make others feel guilty. 

• People who are easily offended are self-centered and self focused. They are on high alert for anything that threatens their self image.

But are these reasons to approach the offender with grievances? Or are these internal issues that the offended needs to address? In scriptural language, “first cast out the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.” 3 Nephi 6:6

Being offended is a protective mechanism that guards the offended against facing reality. When they think you’ve offended them, they seem to step into a position of power and have no interest in reasoning with you, and they shut down any conducive conversation. 

• What offenses warrant the process the Lord describes in T&C 27:5? Any offense? Or legitimate offenses not based on insecurities or personal issues? The Lord instructs you what to do when you have been offended by your brother.

• You shall take him between him and you alone, and if he confesses, you shall be reconciled.

• And if he confesses not, you shall take another with you.

• Then if he confess not, you shall deliver him up unto the church, not to the members, but to the elders.*

• And if he confess not, he shall be delivered up unto the Law.

*[In Joseph Smith’s day, offenses that were not reconciled privately, were brought before the elders. In our day, unreconciled offenses against priesthood holders are brought before a council of 12 women.]

• What is the value of an open public rebuke?  “And if your brother offend many, he shall be chastened before many. And if anyone offend openly, he shall be rebuked openly that he may be ashamed.” 

• What is the harm in making private offenses public? “If any shall offend in secret, he shall be rebuked in secret, that he may have opportunity to confess in secret to him whom he has offended and to God, that the brethren may not speak reproachfully of him.”

If we find we are offended, it would be wise to look at the reasons for the offense, and resolve it following the instructions given by the Lord.