Old Farm Trucks are Seldom Stolen

If a thief doesn't have the right size screwdriver to start it with and can't find one among the 25 in the glove box, he’s in a pickle.

Few know about the "kill" switch under the dash. The key is there just for looks. 

You have to know how to use starting fluid, operate a manual choke, and pump the pedal just right to get it started.

Most can’t find the choke anyway. The “C” engraved on the choke knob is worn away.

It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted out floorboards always clouds your vision.

You have a range of about 20 miles before overheating, breaking down, or running out of gas.

Only the owner knows how to operate the doors to get in or out.

It is difficult to drive fast with all the fencing tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots, and loose papers in the cab.

The loose baling twine wrapped around your feet adds to the challenge.

It’s a standard! Nowadays, thieves usually don’t want to or can't operate a manual transmission.

"Three on a tree" dumbfounds almost everyone and they give up.

You can't adjust the volume or channel on the radio without a rusty pair of slip joint pliers. It’s set for country music full volume and thieves hate that.

Old license plates are screwed into the floor boards to cover most of the holes.

Your foot gets stuck in the latest hole found in the floor.

Everything is hand wired in the engine compartment after the "fire under the hood" situation. 

The cracked windshield is covered in bird droppings making it hard to see.

There’s only a metal bar where the gas pedal should be.

Brakes work on one rear wheel, but not on the rest. People always give you a look whenever you try to stop.

The front end is sloppy as hell and they’ll probably get a DUI while sober.

Holes in the muffler, bald tires, and the tailgate is held on with baling wire.

The bonus is you’ll never have to change the oil. 

You just add another quart or two every week or so.

The handbrake doesn't work and there are no lights.

The horn sounds like something greatly suffering or being murdered.

Thieves are puzzled or distracted by finding all the left-handed gloves on the seat, but no right handed gloves.

The cab is jammed with muddy irrigation boots, tools, a rifle, bullets, a bag of oats for the horse, a saddle, greasy coveralls, oil, and starting fluid.

Empty seed bags leave little room to get in and no room for passengers.

You can't see over the pile of bolts and screws, foam coffee cups, and old copies of "Farm & Ranch Guide" on the dash.

Springs are broken in the seat and it’s hard to see over the steering wheel.

Gas gauge doesn't work - actually none of the gauges work - and the can in the truck bed marked "gasoline" is really diesel fuel.

Grain dust blowing from dashboard vents causes uncontrolled sneezing.

Corn growing in dirt on the floorboards is wrapped up in the steering column and pedals.

Soybeans growing out of the dust/dirt on the dash looks gross as hell, especially if you don't know what it is!

The old dog resting in the back looks happy and acts like he owns the place.

Old farm trucks are too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: the door on the driver's side is red, the other door is green, and the front fender is faded yellow and scratched … well, that's the only fender left, etc. 

The truck is so covered in red dirt you can't tell what color it is anyway.

Bits and pieces of manure show up everywhere.

Most people buy manure for fertilizer, not scrape it off a truck.

The vice grips used as window cranks are worth more than the truck.

When the windows are stuck up, the smell from hauling livestock gets to you.

Rodents burrowed in the torn up seat don’t help with the smell either.

And the mice coming out of the dash and running up your leg distracts the city folk. They don’t stay on the road long.

The frame is bent in four places and partially broken in two places. 

It doesn’t look like it’s going down the road straight because the back tires don’t follow the path of the front tires.

And you can definitely hear it coming without the holy muffler being connected to the motor.

The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you’re being chased, but the mirrors might help if they weren’t cracked and covered with duct tape.

Top speed is a little under 45 mph.

Not knowing how to shift manually without a working clutch and getting confused about turning the steering wheel about 90 degrees to drive straight, city folk usually make it less than a hundred feet up the road before hitting the canal, getting scared, and running from the 4 dogs that were sleeping in the back.

Sometimes a thief will be stuck in prison before being arrested, because the doors won’t open in the normal fashion.

Who wants a truck that needs a year’s worth of maintenance, u-joints, major body work, tail lights, windshield, and all the other stuff you keep noticing along the way.

It’s hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you and then turning around to tell you something looks different about your truck.

Best farm truck ever … and to take a farmer's truck is like taking one of his close family members. You don't want to go there! :)